I wrote this next post about 2 years ago at a very futile and sensitive time in my life. As I read this I became extremely emotional and drawn to the raw spirit and truth of emotion. I miss being this transparent. So close to God that it hurt to feel separated or that I was displeasing in anyway. I was hurt, but unharmed and needed to be healed. Instead i ran away due to fear and feelings of unworthiness. As I begin to heal and deal with my truth this reflection allowed me to get back in touch with my "spirit man".
So, recentlyI was in a season where I literally had to push myself into praise, prayer and even in His presence. Situations occurred where feelings of hopelessness, doubt, confusion, and depression tried to creep in. Although I knew to turn to the word and trust God, my emotions warred with my spirit tremendously. So consumed with my present state and what things "looked like", I lost sight of who is in control. Normally, I'm upbeat and friendly but I began to sulk, sleep, eat and repeat. I began to loose sight of Gods promises and the words that he had spoken about me and to me. It was so bad that those who knew me began to worry about my mental/emotional health. BUT GOD. Sitting in service one Sunday, my pastor called me out and only spoke two simple words to me " NOT YET". I immediately broke into tears. Not tears of sorrow, but tears of release and relief. These were tears of worship and gratitude. It reminded me that God kept me in the midst of my situation (Psalm 121:5) Through my journey my prayer was that His will be done. It is important to remember that when praying this prayer, His will may not always feel good or be easy. (Isaiah 55:8-9) While in my natural state I was deeply hurt, it was God who decided that because He loves me and has prepared a better way, that this was not to be so. I had read all the scriptures, spoke in holy tongues, sought out wisdom and guidance from elders in the church but it wasn't until I was completely vulnerable and open to hear him did I get the revelation.I realize now that through this process God kept me in such a place of vulnerability so that I can willingly put Him back in his rightful position, FIRST. After service I went home and had much needed worship/soaking time with God. I put on instrumental worship music and laid before him for hours. It was in that moment where He began to restore that peace, joy, and strength that I had lost. I truly felt that He had wrapped his arms around me. There were more tears, more songs followed my more tears. The Holy Spirit came in with such authority and I was reminded that I AM the RIGHTEOUSNESS of GOD. He reminded me that there is nothing missing, nothing lacking, nothing broken in my life. "Not Yet" doesn't mean not ever but in its appropriate time. It was a call for divine order in my life. I needed to re-position myself in His kingdom. That day i declared that no longer would i think on the things of the past but i would stand on his word and declare that as long as He is that I am. I believe that and have walked in it thenceforth Not without struggle but I am completely convinced that there is truly no other way.
As I close, its moments like these where I fall in love with God all over again. Not for what he has done but just because he is able to do it! Even in the midst of our sins, short comings, and "isms" he says yet and still I love you. I hope that this brief testament helped you or a friend. Sometimes we all need a reminder.